But nothing prepared me for how overtly forward Japanese women can be with their attraction. Being groped at clubs, girls giggling around me, and being eye fucked like no tomorrow on the train. I actually met a beautiful Japanese girl in Shibuya. We spent most of the week together before I left. She has already spent some time with me in America. But what she lacks in that department, she makes up for being a surprisingly kind and gentle person. She absolutely loves animals and she is an extremely affectionate person. One aspect of this article that has been counterintuitive to my experience dating a Japanese girl is the concept of an allowance.
When I was in Japan, this girl paid for all my meals, despite offering to pay for the meal, or at least my own. She never tries to tell me how to spend my money and when she came to America to visit she literally gave me all her money to hold on to for her.
She always tries to carry my belongings. If I have a bag with me, she absolutely has to carry it for me and refuses to listen to my objections. She always tries to clean my room and I have to tell her not to. I actually have some Japanese friends through work that grew up in Japan.
I can understand the appeal Japan has for foreign men. The women in Japan are incredibly thin and take awesome care of themselves. Well, it pays off. According to my Japanese friends in America, there is virtually no hook-up culture in Japan. See that attractive girl walking down the street in New York City? It is definitely interesting to read your point of view. I think that a lot of the stereotypes are just that, and may not reflect as much reality as we perceive.
Oh, it certainly does not, but you would have to write a whole book about it if you want to cover it all! After all each one is unqiue. I seriously doubt that you will find a really interesting girl in a bar. These are found by accident, at work, in a university, etc. French, Spanish and Italian men behave quite differently from Northern Europeans. They are also very different from Americans. I would assume South Americans are similar to southern Europeans, being influenced by Hispanic culture.
The Shocking Truth About Dating in Japan as a Foreigner
European women are not so aggressive as Americans. I could go on. Simone, I agree with you. This was my long winded way of saying that those different people will have a different experience in Japan. I work with some guys who have been in Japan as long as me, or who have been married around the same time, and their Japanese is basic at best. There are a lot of people like that everywhere it seems. Do they like feeling helpless?
What happens if they lose their partner or get divorced? Here again you cannot generalize! I have traveled in Japan several times with a British company, InsideJapan Tours, and all the guides were British or Americans and fluent in Japanese [plus they read and wrote it]. That was true also of their one French guide [who was married to a Japanese woman met abroad]. I stayed in Singapore for 9 years and dating there was impossible.
First of all the quality of men in general and secondly, if you went out with your friends they always try to compare themselves to the Angmo. Secondly I got so much offended with comprising like: It was amusing with all the stereo type opinions.
TOKYO (12 p.m.)
My female colleagues at work always said they are not allowed to date a foreigner but they always dated foreigner or try to date foreigners. They would be someone special. Japanese men in comparasing to the Singapore guys are really refreshing and they amuse me with they kind behavior and politeness. The dress code is much better than the flip flop, short wearing Ah Bengs in Singapore yak.
Dating Japanese 101
My girl friend biggest worry was that sex will be bad because of the size. What Western girls have to worry about Japanese man is that after kids there is no more sex. At least for a lot of couples. I heard it so often. They would be perfect Christians. This is in later years maybe a problem.
I know a few intercultural marriages where they in later years divorced because this sense for flirt and pampering is missing. Women want to feel special, right? Thanks so much for sharing your expeirence with us! I am one of those rare cases: Western woman with a Japanese boyfriend. But I live in Germany, so I guess that makes a difference somehow.
Words he rarely used back in Japan, because it is an embarrasing thing to do. He hugs and kisses me whenever he gets the chance to do. In all, there seems to be less physical contact, also in private amongst couples or family-members. One of the more shocking facts: We already had a lot of discussions about the ideal of beauty and how a woman should look, dress and behave to attract a guy. And overall, dating is like searching your lost home keys… They are always in the last place you searched, by definition! You'll complain while searching, you don't care anymore once you found. You can of course say that it all comes down to personalities.
But then the question will be this: Identical twins are known to develop different personalities depending on the environment they grow up in. They may share some common traits, their personalities won't be exactly the same. Nurture does affect your personality. Also, different cultures have different sets of social rules. When you go to a grocery store in France, you are expected to say 'bonjour'. Failing to do this will be seen as rude and antisocial. In Japan, this is not necessary. There are numerous hidden rules like this in different cultures and not understanding them make it harder for you to deal with local people.
If you are from a culture similar to Japan, your dating life won't be that much different. However, if your cultural values are very different, you are likely to have a harder time. It is more realistic to say that it's your innate personality tendency AND culture that affect your dating life. It's neither 'completely nature' nor 'completely nurture'. Hi and thanks for your comment at the Japanese Rule of 7 Facebook page.
You've got a great site here, and I think you and I are addressing many of the same issues related to living in Japan. I look forward to reading more of your stuff. Feel free to drop me a comment on my site as well.
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There is such a thing as black Europeans yknow, Arab Europeans Germany has had a large Turkish population for decades asian Europeans etc. Europe doesnt have just one ethnic group. And besides small differences due to background they generally conform to the larger culture. Some Europeans don't consider whites, or Caucasians in America, as Europeans. I assume it is the same for Africans and blacks, or African-Americans.
This is because they don't normally use the terms blacks or whites to describe themselves but since we I am African-American btw uses these to describe ourselves, that's just what is used now. I must belong in Japan instead of a western country then. I want to meet a girl, get to know her, then ask her out. I'm not really into asking out random girls, seems creepy. Don't see the point in asking out someone I don't know much about. I disagree with how you portray and talk about western women.
I am a western woman and I strongly dislike that you seem to think you can just meet me and then ask me out.
This is one of the creepiest things Japanese guys do. Just approach me and without knowing anything about me say they want to date me. And FYI dating in Japan is very difficult for western women, I am one and I talk with many many others and it is an often lamented fact.
The how's and whys would take forever to explain but it is what it is. I stay here for my job which I love and my lifestyle but have totally written off ever dating a Japanese man after the nightmarish past six years! Thank you for you feedback. I have a question: Or maybe you don't like to be approached only by certain types of men?
I think it's party selection bias. I know a lot of western women who don't have any difficulty dating in Japan. I interviewed a lot of them for my book, so I know their stories in detail. Maybe western women you know are more comfortable with hanging out with other western people, while the ones I know tend to socialise with more diverse people, including Japanese guys? It's just my guess though. The biggest issue is probably the language barrier. Although I'd definitely have more luck at home, dating in Japan has been pretty easy for me.
Shit right now I'm seeing four different women and the only real thing holding me back is time and money. My biggest piece of advice is learn the language and just start putting yourself out there. Just like everything in life those who put in the time in energy are those that come out ahead. If you think that occasionally showing up at the local foreigner bar with your dorky white friends is enough to land you a girlfriend, you may be waiting a while.
I think it is the same in any country. Just depend about your feel in and your sex apple.
The Shocking Truth About Dating in Japan as a Foreigner
However, thank for share your experience. It might be very hard for Yuta to give or understand the perspectives of foreign men, Japanese women, or foreign women though he might have some dating experience here. Because understanding such a problem might lend itself more to people that grew up in multiracial or multicultural environments, where it's easier for them to see the different perspectives.
What are effective dating strategies for Japanese men, won't usually work for foreign men or foreign women. In Japan, each group has to play their hand differently. Japan isn't, so arguably you have to play the game very differently. Which can make it very hard, if you are say a Japanese guy trying to figure out how Vietnamese guys, American Black guys, or French White guys can be successful in dating with Japanese women. A lot of miscommunication can occur here.
Since we in the West use kissing as an expression of romantic intent and as a stepping stone to building a relationship, it can be especially confusing and frustrating. So far as physical intimacy after becoming boyfriend and girlfriend: I believe everything is fair game. Obviously how soon they are willing to have sex after becoming boyfriend and girlfriend is based on the individual. The use of kokuhaku is also a bit of a culture shock for Westerners. Love is a very powerful word and concept in English. One says those words only with someone they feel they want to spend the rest of their lives with.
Westerners try not to say those words until they are sure of that feeling. Saying those words makes the thing real and in the open. It makes you think about their feelings, your feelings and adds pressure to the situation. For those reasons most Westerners prefer romantic actions over confessions of love. One will feel what they feel and it clarifies any concerns or confusions. Most commonly we use a kiss. Kissing is a very clear sign that someone likes and wants to date you.
Unless they are drunk. Then all bets are off. Because of the kokuhaku culture expressing interest in someone can also be tricky for a Westerner. The Japanese language does not contain gradations of the word like. Each one is just a stronger way of saying that you love them. The Westerner in this case most likely only wants to go on a few dates and learn if they would be interested in becoming boyfriend and girlfriend if things work out.
Dating Differences Between America and Japan
From a Western perspective this style of dating can seem a bit childish and immature. Some of that feeling stems from the Eastern style of dating being similar to how we in the West date during high school. Adult dating in the West moves a bit faster than the East. For adults in the West we use physical intimacy, kissing especially, as a way of determining compatibility. To remove physical intimacy from dating in the West is to make dating the same as building a friendship.
We assume they just want to be friends. As I stated at the beginning, these are generalities and there will be exceptions. Easterners who have lived abroad, are a little bit older late twenties on or live in a major city may be more open to dating differently. With a Westerner, especially, they will expect there to be some cultural differences. They may even be aware of your cultural norms. But less traveled and young ones are more likely to be surprised by things outside of their cultural norms.
There are also people who are just looking for- or are open to- one night stands, sleeping around or being friends with benefits. Roppongi in Tokyo is infamous for being rife with bars and clubs where Japanese women go to look for a one night foreign boyfriend. Not surprisingly one many foreigners find their way to. For all the differences in dating culture one thing holds true in both: Dating can be confusing, trying and stressful. It can also be fun, wonderful and rewarding.