I was just thinking about the holiday season the other day. For many folks, it's when you're spending a lot of time, energy and money on other people. Presents, parties, egos to be massaged, feelings to be soothed. May I suggest that you put that first and foremost on the agenda. Because unless you're taken care of, you're in no shape to take care of anyone else.
It's like you have a car, and you like to give people rides -- and you're trying to do it with a broken transmission and an empty gas tank. That's where Project Irresistible comes in. It's about designing the love life you want, vs. And you already know -- if you keep on doing what you've been doing, you're going to keep on getting the mediocre results you've been getting.
So it's time to shake things up. And lord knows that's my specialty around here: The program custom-designed for YOU, the smart woman. So I was thinking who would benefit from Project Irresistible , and this is what I came up with:. You're a busy professional woman. Since you don't have time to raise chicken and grow wheat, you buy that stuff at a store or restaurant to save you time. In a similar vein, we've gathered the information for you, put it all together in super-consumable format, and designed this program for maximum efficiency and impact so you can get the results you want.
You've always wanted to do a self-growth program like this , but just never got around to it for a zillion reasons which in retrospect weren't all that important. You're committed to taking care of your love life, and now is the right time to do it. You just got out of a relationship and are frankly a little bewildered with all the options and rules out there. Here's a simple protocol to follow, as if you had a personal trainer for love. You're plenty attractive but they seem to be attracting the wrong kind of men and you're ready to step up to a kind of guy who's actually good for you in the long term.
You want to work on one specific topic -- e. You're doing reasonably well on your own and want to incorporate some new paradigms of spirituality and really take your life -- ALL of it -- to the next level and embody the highest, best possible version of you , the goddess. If one of those categories or more resonate with you -- this program's been custom-designed for you, sister. Now to get a sense of exactly what we're covering in the six sessions, I encourage you to listen to the Project Irresistible Preview Teleclass below which we just did.
There's tons of useful information in there, so download it to your favorite MP3 player and listen to it. When you listen to it all the way to the end, you'll feel about 6 inches taller afterwards and have a goofy smile plastered on your face for a while after. The Foundation of All Relationship. Where's His Natural Habitat? As I mentioned, the Project Irresistible Preview Teleclass has a lot more detail in it, with some teaser suggestions for each section to get you started. Now, before we proceed any further, I want you think about something: What is this all really worth to you?
What's it worth never to have to deal with another deadbeat boyfriend again? Or to have the strength and courage to end that mediocre or frankly abusive relationship you're in now, so you can make room for a great one? Gamblers would get bored and quit. So you need to treat it like any other addiction.
The first step is complete cessation of the drug — in this case, contact with FWB. You must allow time for your brain to heal. Technically, that means spending enough time without him such that your brain downregulates all the extra dopamine receptors it has created over the last 10 years. My preference is that you break off contact with him permanently. Like alcohol for an alcoholic or crack for a crackhead, the only acceptable dose is zero. Then, you must find healthy substitutes for the stimulus you were receiving. That makes the cravings easier.
阅读体验：The Tao of Dating （英文原文，暂完结）
Ideally, this would be a commitment-minded guy you really like who likes you back. Quality time spent with friends and family is also good. Spend as much time in community as possible. I refer you to this word piece I wrote some time ago about getting over breakups: How to Get Over a Breakup: The bad news is that the design of our brains has made the hot-cold, on again-off again treatment of bad boys inherently addictive. Because the good news is that we also have discipline, wisdom and willpower.
So please treat bad boys exactly the same way. Like the human equivalent of heroin or crack, only worse. Lies, infidelity, divorce, financial instability, custody battles, a world of pain. Those are things that wreck lives. So write down what you want in a relationship on a piece of paper, and stick it in your purse. Now you have a basis of comparison for every guy who comes along.
Have standards for the character of the kind of guy you want to have a relationship with, and stick with those standards.
As I sit here in front of a computer screen with nary a reader of mine in sight, I often ask myself: Is this useful to anyone? Am I just repeating myself myself? So in the interest of better serving you, I would like to ask you a single very important question:. The idea is that if you had a magic wand that you could wave to solve the single biggest problem in your love life, what would that be?
The answer to that question is hugely important to me, because it will tell me what things I can create for you to solve the problem! So please do us both a medium-sized favor and take 60 seconds to answer the question via Google Forms. One of the five pillars of Happiness Engineering is good sleep.
Statistics say that a large portion of the population is getting mediocre sleep like, 1 out of 5 people. It works best when you listen to it through headphones. Note from Captain Obvious: You can listen to it for free right here. If you have a question for me, please send it to my new address: In addition to my articles, I post travelogues, photos and random observations, usually of the silly variety.
But he has yet to make a move.
Does he even like me? Should I even bother? How do you know if a guy likes you? As in smooches and snuggles? But additional challenges present themselves when you see a guy frequently as part of your social circle, whether at work or in a group of friends. Now you have willingly planted an ex in the midst of formerly friendly territory.
Surely there is a way to finesse this tricky social situation. The best way is to take me along to a party to hang out with both of you. And by turning on the super-sensitive Dr Ali-dar and observing your interactions, I will give you a read of the situation. All I get to see is your world through this tiny keyhole of an email. From that I must deduce your character, the nature and intensity of his interest, and your suitability as a match.
When trying to gauge interest, this is the overarching theme. The more deliberate effort a man puts into spending time with you, the more interested he is. Doing something that risks rejection, such as asking you out on a date, raises the stakes and is an even stronger sign of romantic interest. Now I heartily recommend that folks initially get to know people through group events.
A few years ago I was sitting at this deathly boring talk at a conference in Los Angeles when I spotted this dazzlingly beautiful woman across the room. Before the talk was over, I must have involuntarily turned to look at her 50 times. And lord knows I made a beeline to talk to her afterwards. Straight into your eyes, seriously trying to plumb its depths of mystery and passion? Same goes for sitting in a restaurant: Touching behavior varies culturally, which changes the salience of the act. A classic study done by Sidney Jourard showed that during an hourlong conversation between friends, in England they touched each other zero times.
In the US, twice, during bursts of enthusiasm. In France, times, and in Puerto Rico, times! So this means that a touch from a shy English guy counts for a lot more than one from the gregarious Spaniard. The second level information is the quality of the touch. Is he giving you a high-five or a shoulder rub?
The more prolonged and deliberate the touch, the greater the interest.
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Touch is the final phase before getting in the sack. You meet a guy. Because to an observer the two behaviors look exactly the same. Run with it, girl. The shy guy is putting everything on the line. The player, on the other hand, has this routine rehearsed so well that he can do it after 7 margaritas, in microgravity, while tied up in a burlap sack. The guy is just generally horny. Specific attraction runs on dopamine, which is the neurotransmitter of goal-directed activity. This is the difference between RLD and long-term love. Does he flirt shamelessly with the cute waitress, or does he focus his attention fully on you?
What do his friends say about him? The most accurate information you can get about a guy is his long-term behavior — the stuff he actually does, over and over again. Rather, it illustrates a central principle of human behavior. Science shows that we have cognitive biases that blind us to our own shortcomings, and as a therapist I can tell you that people are horrendous at self-reportage.
Like, totally inaccurate, all the time. Oh, and then there are the guys who will say anything to get into your good graces — or your pants. But you already knew that. And who kept on taking him back and financially supporting him even though he continued to physically abuse her. Look for actions, not words. Having been that interested guy often, here are some things that come to mind:. Guys will request your company for any number of reasons — avoid being lonely, try to get you in bed, or just to hang out.
As we already discussed, the question to ask yourself: Generally speaking, the more planning and risk it involves for the guy, the more serious he is about you. Once again, the quality of attention during the date tends to be a good indicator of his interest level. Now we get to the fun part: Sometimes they have fancy colors and aromas to attract pollinators, but for the most part they just sit there and look pretty.
They roam the range of their vast territory and go for whatever they want, without apology or hesitation. Both flower and tiger power are effective in their own way, and everyone has both kinds of power. Women run families, corporations, states and entire countries. So it does not make sense to be a passive bystander to your own love life.
Right now is always a great time to take control. And guys like to hunt, so you must let them be the hunter. So you will get a little clever. Perhaps even more important than asking the question to make sure you get the frame right. Are you secretly gay? Why is this powerful? Humor opens up the conversational field, allowing all parties to share their feelings in a safer context. But even more important, you are subtly taking control of the situation instead of just waiting around. At the same time, you are passing the baton to him to take action.
How do I know these work? Pick one depending on your level of interest and boldness:. Snuggling on the couch during a movie is completely natural, and a well-known way to not watch the movie at all. Not that you asked, but the movie in question was L. Most guys understand this as a sign of definite interest.
Relaxing and frolicking in the sun with minimal clothing is one of the best ways of getting out of your heads and into your bodies. Playing in the water and applying sunscreen to one another are time-honored ways of getting physical. For a zillion reasons, exercising together is generally a good idea. Acroyoga has taken off all over the world, so you should be able to find a class where you are.
That should give you a few tools for figuring out if a guy has romantic interest in you. And you have the advantage of being actual women! Then please share it in the comments ASAP! I have a little favor to ask you. Are you on Goodreads?
Dr. Ali Binazir, Happiness Engineer
This is how I pay the bills, so I would be immensely grateful for your help. At the beginning of , I decided to devote more time to my favorite activity: I set myself a rough target of two books a week, and got through about of them 32, pages, according to my Goodreads profile.
On my personal blog, I wrote capsule reviews and ratings of about of those , categorized into the following 5 headings. I read a lot of personal growth books, and these are the ones I found particularly useful. I picked up these books mostly for kicks or out of curiosity. All of them are quick, entertaining reads. Why did it have to end? These are the kind of books that can help you become a kinder, gentler, more thoughtful version of yourself. Click here to take a look at the list and the reviews. So if you have some must-reads that would fit in the above categories, please share them in the comments!
You went out with a guy for a couple of dates. How do you let a guy down easy? Or anyone, for that matter? What I recommend is to use two principles: The praise sandwich works particularly well because people tend to remember the first and last things you tell them the primacy and recency effects, respectively ; the meat of the sandwich tends to get forgotten. Gentle let-downs help expand your circle of allies and reduce the amount of incidental rancor in your community and the world at large. Some of the questions we covered:. Click on the player icon below to listen, or click here if you prefer to download the file 29min, 20mb.
The Extraordinary Love Series: Some of the speakers are really, really good. It starts next week; more info for you in the near future. In the meantime, you can sign up for the whole thing for no charge here. On the election, sexism, insecurity, and your love life. I started with a story about my mom, who was a butt-kicking professional woman in Iran, and how she refused to put up with the sexist nonsense that the fundamentalists were propounding after the Revolution. The 15min excerpt below talks about the prime directives in male and female behavior, and how that creates three choices for strong women when it comes to choosing and relating to a man:.
A lot of people were sad to have missed it because of time or distance conflict, and asked for a replay. Click here to purchase the full lecture. And do send your questions. Under words, and make sure it contains a question regarding the outcome you desire! The holiday season is upon us, which means that many of you will be going to a bunch of holiday parties. This is an excellent time to get out and make new friends. Which means that people were engaging in lineage-perpetuating activities nine months before, which brings us to… ah yes, December and November.
I really enjoyed the classes and feel that I am seeing some results already. Joined yoga which I realized I had missed as part of my routine and going out more often. Quick situation I wanted to run by you: I was picking up my dry cleaning and there was this good looking guy there. We were the only two in the store. While the person was getting my dry cleaning, I did the smiling eye contact with good intention thing, and then he came over and we started a conversation back and forth about how good a dry cleaning place it is and how fast and reasonably priced they are.
I got my dry cleaning and smiled at the guy and left. Do you live or work close by? A lot of what I write is about mindset and being your best self. But sometimes, you just straight up need some techniques that work. This is one of those times. In the big city with people constantly in motion, it can be challenging to make a connection. Conversation-friendliness, Community, and Continuity. You want to be able to have a meaningful exchange of sufficient length in a safe context such that you can follow up with the person later.
Now the dry cleaners is a great venue because the people there are likely to be local good for Community , affluent, and probably gainfully employed. This is the realm of grownups. This cuts out the middleman of fumbling for phones, or pen and paper. Do you have a card? The attention you just gave him probably made his day. I have a Bookswap Brunch that I do once a month or so, where people bring books to swap with each other while having a tasty brunch. Now this topic happens to be one of the most common that women ask me about. Capacity for the webinar is only people, so if you want to be on, I would recommend that you click on this link right now and sign up.
Nothing to lose; much joy, potential partnership, wedding ceremonies, rugrats, and massive private school and college bills to gain: San Francisco Bay Area: If you were rejoicing on Nov 9, this talk is probably not aimed at you. It will basically be like a live version of the blog, so bring your questions!
The room is smallish, so if you want a seat, get your tickets quick — there are about 19 left. You saw a candidate who routinely insulted minorities, immigrants, handicapped people, and LGBT folks become President-elect of the nation. You saw a man who bragged about sexually assaulting women win the highest office in the land.
And you saw friends, family, and fellow Americans disregard all of that ugliness and vote for him anyway. If in the past week you have felt less safe; disrespected as a woman; in despair about the state of democracy; worried about the future of your self and country — I hear you. If you want to talk about stuff, just call In the meantime, even though something very strange has happened, worry is not going to help.
The world keeps turning, and frankly it needs you. So if you are not feeling tip-top, here are some ways to improve your resilience and bounce back, pronto:. There is nothing that changes your mood more reliably than exercise. So get out of the house and move — go for a run, do yoga, take an exercise class, or just enjoy a long walk. We humans are hypersocial creatures. Singles living alone are now the biggest demographic group in America, and nothing about the 6 million year history of hominin evolution prepared us for living by ourselves.
So get together with people. Organize a movie night, go watch sports together in a bar, go dancing, have a dinner party. Good company is healing. Which also explains why so many repressive cultures ban music think the Taliban or fundamentalist Iran. So grab your smartphone, fire up your Spotify, Apple Music, Amazon Music or Pandora, and listen to some seriously uplifting tunes.
If said tunes make you dance, even better see 1 above. Classical music is particularly powerful for me. Some pieces that get me going when I need to scrape myself off the floor: Yeah, just close your eyes and sit. For extra credit, do your best to clear your mind of thoughts. You do this by focusing on something other than random thoughts — say, the sensation of breath as it goes through your nostrils.
Repeating an internal sounds also helps you focus. Just email me a beer instead. Meditation is a form of mindfulness, but not the same thing. You can practice it all the time. Because, if you really think about it, all of your problems reside in the past or the future. Right now — this tiny sliver of a second constituting the present moment — is frankly too narrow to contain any problems. Feel the warmth of the water, the hardness of the plates, the slipperiness of the suds. Hear the sounds of splashing water, and the squeak of sponge on dish.
Which part of your foot hits the ground first? Which one is next? How do your legs feel as they alternately support and swing? What are your arms doing? As you do this, you may notice something: And then the next moment in time — still pretty good. And the next one? String together enough of these mindful moments, and you get whole days, months and years. This way, you can get through anything. One of the best ways to cheer yourself up is to help cheer other people up.
Hey, why do you think I do this stuff? So call up a friend, offer to listen, go deliver a hug in person, send them this list, and otherwise make yourself useful. Could be your family, your health, your car that gets you around. Meditate on them, and deeply appreciate them in your life for 30sec each. Then go on with the rest of your day.
Science shows that making this a daily or even weekly practice has measurable benefits for your long-term happiness. This really should have been at the top of the list; thanks to eagle-eyed reader Maria for bringing it to my attention. For some of you, it may even be more life-changing than The Tao of Dating — or it may be just the special sauce that makes everything fall into place for you.
One of the best ways to have a great dating life and a great life in general is to have an extensive social network. Repetition is the key to learning. How many times have you learned something really great, used it for a while, and then gradually forgotten about it even though it really worked for you? The fact is that we tend to forget a lot of what we learn, unless we reinforce the material deliberately and regularly. The Belief Supercharger Mindtrack is the first of the series and your introduction to Mindtrack technology. It has two modules: Listen to it right before you go out for the evening and notice how much more empowered you feel and how much better everything flows for you.
The fear of approaching attractive women has turned into a feeling of discovery and I feel more in control of my emotions. Thirty days later, you automatically receive the Attitude Supercharger Mindtrack. Other titles in the series follow monthly: You can suspend the subscription at any time by writing to us. In any case, the Mindtracks come with a day money-back satisfaction guarantee. For more information on the Mindtrack Program, click here. Feedback is the ultimate tool for learning, and the NetworkTracker 2. The sixth bonus is an mp3 recording of the one-hour Special Topics Teleseminar.
In that teleseminar, we answered the best of the burning questions submitted by you, our readers. Some of the topics we covered: Once again, we give you the full, page transcript to the entire teleseminar as an ninth bonus so you can go back at your leisure to any concept that particularly resonated with you.
Some of the topics we covered:. In this jam-packed teleseminar which is the twelfth bonus , we go over the specific skills involved in approaching women and conversing with them to set up the foundation for attracting them to you. Some of the topics we cover:. Price used to be over 3x this, and tends to fluctuate according to my whim. Click Here to Download Now. Now, keep in mind that until very recently, I used to sell this book for a lot more, and had thousands of customers. So I want this decision to be a total no-brainer for you.
How much would a standard dinner-and-drinks date for two at a halfway-decent restaurant cost you? How many of those dates have you been on that went nowhere? What if I told you that after reading my book, you would never have to go on one of those loser dates again? How much money would you save for the rest of your life? What if you knew what to look for in a woman before going out with her on a date such that you would never waste your precious time and money on someone you would not be interested in?
What if this material really works, and it enabled you to meet one quality woman whose company you truly enjoy? What would that be worth to you? Can a price be put on that? What would that do to your confidence and your enjoyment of life? The fact is that you will continue to meet women every day of your life. Some of these women will be the kind that you would definitely want to meet. Will you have the skill set to capture that opportunity to meet and date that woman, or will you have to let that chance pass you by, letting her waltz out of your life like every other time in the past?
I have spent ten years researching and testing everything that is contained in this book. I have spent time with men who are exceptionally successful in their dating lives and modeled them. I have read dozens of books and hundreds of articles on psychiatry, neuroscience, psychology, evolution, philosophy and sexuality — on top of all the textbooks I had to read to get my three degrees in medicine, business and biology from the University of California, Cambridge University and Harvard. I attended thousands of dollars worth of seminars in hypnosis, NLP and dating.
I only wish that someone had all of this done for me a decade ago — I would have paid almost any amount for that! Sixty bucks would have been a tiny fraction of what I spent — an absolute bargain however you think about it. I could just as easily make this home study system a lot cheaper. I want you to value this material and put in the time and effort to make it work for you. A Mercedes-Benz costs more than a regular car, right?
They put the best available engineering and design into it, and on top of that add their own innovations that everyone else ends up copying. Trust me — I read them all. There is, and in my book I tell you exactly where to find it. Whom would you put your money on? But you know what? While good, his products are not aimed at women and dating.
Dating with Confidence Hypnosis Session
The irony is, that the mindtracks seem to make approaching anyone easier, not just women. Developing social and professional networks is almost not a challenge anymore.
The text is elegant in its logic, devoid of psychobabble and will improve all your relationships.