However, they realize that AA and recovery means different things for different people. They don't put those people down. AA has worked for them. I am a social drinker and it doesn't bother either of them when I have a drink when we eat out. Look at this thread. More than half of the poster are attacking AA and those in recovery using AA. I wonder how many of them have been to AA or Alanon or are in recovery from alcohol or drugs. Most of the people who go to step meetings are anonymous. You know a lot of them, but you don't know who they are.
They do not turn individuals into self centered cultists who have replaced substance abuse with meetings. AA does not require belief in God or religion- although you can make case for it being a spiritual program. My advise to you OP- is to date this guy if you like him. He will reveal his wishes vis a vis your drinking. My guess is that he will not try to influence you one way or the other. He is neither better nor worse than any other person. I would put very little stock in most of the replies you have received on this thread. Pay attention to what those who attend AA say.
All others do not know much about recovery from alcoholism or AA. That is a load of bullshit. Every experience I've had with people in AA has been the complete opposite. Resent people who have more fun than they do. This has been my experience. Why not make up your own mind and go by how he treats you and makes you feel?
Maybe he's a great guy, maybe not. Yes, there are some crazy people in AA. These are people you would not want to date, whether or not they were "in the rooms". Anybody who "lectures people about the poisons in their soap and shampoo" is clearly in this category. There are also many people who have used the tools in AA to stop drinking and who are well adjusted and more importantly sober. It's really not hard to tell the difference between a crazy person AA or no and a normal person again, AA or no.
Don't use membership in AA as a shorthand, OP. Personally, and this is just my opinion, but when I was looking for my current boyfriend who happens to not be in AA I began my search in the rooms of AA because some of the nicest and most well adjusted guys I had ever met were in those rooms. Also the funniest, the quickest with a joke, the most fun to be around and none needed a drink. I was so sick of the bar seen at that point anyway it was refreshing to do something with someone who could care less about a bar and rather go to the Chelsea piers or a movie instead.
My best friend is in AA and he's one of the most well adjusted, smartest, funniest people I know. You know what's funny? I also no really great people that have never been to AA and there are some people I hate that have also never gone. The only people I know who are nervous about AA are those who have an issue with their own drinking. Chances are if he doesn't drink he probably won't wanna do tina on friday nights either.
Not everyone who is in AA is a zealot, just like not everyone who has ever been drunk is an alkie. I have been sober almost 10 years now. I am a fall down drunk whether or not I ever have another drink again. My girlfriend is an occasional drinker and yes, she sometimes over does it. I am the alcoholic not her. If you drink around him he may or may not be cool with it. Does he get freaked out by others drinking or being around any kind of alcohol? We are all human and have our quirks but the addictive personality is what it is.
I went to AA meetings on a regular basis for a year. All I managed to learn is that it is a religious experience, plain and simple. I don't want to hear any bull shit that your higher power can be a paper clip or a flower pot. It means God and probably the Xtian one at that.
As gay people we are rarely accepted by any church and this is one. When anyone bows down and prays to the sobriety God, they are losing a part of themselves. AA teaches that everyone is an alcoholic and weak. It teaches them to accept and identify themselves in negative terms. AA saves lives but it destroys a person's endividuality and self-esteem. The longer they can keep you down, the longer they can keep you in their cult. I'd rather date an alcoholic who drinks and has confidence and self-respects than a pontificating, judgemental victim.
I agree with the others who say RUN!!! R75's rant, with its spelling and grammatical errors, its leaps in logic, its hysterical tone and its general ignorance, is far more instructive that the "advice" it contains. R68 here, posting 1st time as well. Sorry for the spelling error, I was in a hurry when I posted. I have no problem with AA or NA, and they've helped a number of people I know, including a close family member whose life was totally transformed for the better once he admitted the alcohol and drug problem he'd kept hidden for years and entered NA.
One of my friends even has a fairly well-known gay celebrity as his sponsor. No, I am not naming him, and I think it was a mistake for my friend to name him in the first place, even if the guy is openly a former alcoholic and addict. That said, R74 nailed it. And, frankly, I like to drink and would feel self-conscious being intimately involved with someone who I thought "looked down" on me for it. Thanks again for all the responses.
I respect anyone that tries to improve his or her life.
Dating Someone In AA
AA makes me nervous because it seems to have a dogma that stays with people their whole lives. I don't like any kind of group think including religion, political parties, etc. I don't like the idea of not being able to share a bottle of wine with the guy, but I'm absolutely going to go out with the guy again. Mostly, I just wanted to see what people's experiences were. My lover was a member of AA.
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He was the most beautiful person I ever met. He helped several of my friends and sponsored them in AA. I am Irish and like to drink. He thought of me as his surrogate drinker and loved pouring drinks into me. The sex was phenomenal and I was never happier. OP, the vast majority of people who attend AA end up dropping out within the first couple of years, so don't worry about it. He'll get tired of it and move on.
OP don't worry, most people drop out of AA within the first 2 years. He will get tired of it and move on to a real life. R57 is the one who doesn't get it. I climbed in a bottle for eight years, quit drinking three years ago, have an occasional glass of wine and will never drink like I had for those eight years. R75's "rant" is NOT hysterical. My experience with AA is almost identical.
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Read the "Book" and tell me it's not all about believing in God. If I had it with me I'd transcribe some passages for you. I'm not questioning that it does help some people but don't pretend it's something it's not. The problem is that those for whom the step programs work best, do not need to proclaim it to the world. So when you all say you know step people, it is ones from this second group. Those for whom it really works do not yell it from the rooftops.
I have been through the 12 step programs and they real do good for most addicts though not for me. I would not write anyone off who is a member of AA--anymore than I would write off redheads, people living on even numbered streets, or left-handed folk. There are good people and assholes in each of these groups. Everyone with an IQ over room temperature begins to find the 12 steps completely jejune in short order.
I see the "Obsessed with AA Hatred" troll is really working overtime this weekend. I guess that mandatory detox thing your job made you do really bugged you huh? The way I look at it is this -- Everyone's crazy, at least people in AA have admitted they have a problem and have taken steps to work it out. I was in a seven year relationship with a recovering alcoholic. He had been sober eight years when we first met. He had worked the steps and gotten to the point where he went to a meeting about twice a month, sometimes more. Despite all of his introspection, therapy, knowing himself, asking for forgiveness from others, etc.
Everything in our relationship was processed through the lens of AA. He constantly used the jargon so I was always hearing stuff like "it works if you work it," "let go and let God," "I'm fine: Fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional. Over the years, there were signs that he was, is and always will be an alcoholic. He thought the world revolved around him, others were responsible for his bad behavior, etc.
We broke up because he started using speed to lose weight. Even though it was prescription medication, he abused it. Then he started wanting to drink near beer, because he didn't like feeling left out when he went out with friends. He soon fell back into his addictive personality traits: I don't know what happened to him or where he is today. At the end, he was physically and verbally abusive and stole money from me. But by all outward appearances, he seemed like a stand-up guy, had a great job in the medical field, worked hard and was good at his work.
After that relationship, I realized I have co-dependent traits myself. I had to address that in therapy. Just be careful, OP, especially if you have addiction in your family. It could mean you're co-dependent. R98, you've been through a lot. I'm glad you escaped alive, and he didn't try to label you "co-dependent" and drag you into alanon. Anyone here who would object outright, without knowing anything about the poster or his friend, has issues, and their advice should be summarily ignored.
I suspect that's why you posted. Alcoholics are people first. So are diabetics, a similar group of people. As a matter of fact, recent studies point out the link between sugar and alcohol in genetic metabolics. Furthermore, you'd be surprised at how many people in the public eye that you admire are alcoholic. OP, most problematic to you would be an alcholic NOT in recovery. As R63 said, there are recovering alcoholics all around you, you just don't know it.
They have no stereotype as others have been trying to suggest and support. AA is somewhat like going to a gym to stay in shape. Only it is staying sober and mentally healthy that is the goal. The stakes are high for the alcoholic; life or death. The program is one of the miracles of the 20th century having saved millions of lives world wide in countless ways all connected to alcoholism and substance abuse.
Recovering alcoholics, who are really in recovery do not judge the drinking of others- they may avoid settings with heavy drinking or substance use, but being intolerant of those who can drink responsibly is almost as unsober as drinking itself. Most in recovery keep drinking behavior to themselves, i. And they tend to discuss drinking with other alcoholics or when asked about it specifically. Date the guy and accept or reject him based on criteria you would use with any other person- as he will do as well concerning you.
Those on this thread who prejudge alcoholics are well, prejudiced. As with all prejudice they are talking about something they know very little about. And you know what? If they are neither alcoholics nor addicts, they don't need to know anything- unless they are close to one. In that case, they can learn how to deal with it from Alanon- Don't look to this thread!!
Yeah, it's the same thing exactly. I once had two cups of coffee and ran over some school kids while driving. Co-dependency and addiction imply in their definitions that the thing is detrimental. You breathe every day, but I don't hear you complaining of your "air addiction" now do I? If your mother undergoes chemo so she can beat her cancer will you complain that she has is now hooked on chemo? The point is people are trying to stay alive by helping each other in a fellowship which has no rules or fees. I really find the vitriol hard to fathom.
Dating Someone In AA
Most of the anger over 12 step programs is voiced by people who don't need or want one, and who have never experienced one and are fully armed with only second hand information. So right away that is foolish. People in AA are helping themselves. It is a voluntary and free program to boot. R, if you want to live life under a sponsor's thumb and pray to a doorknob, no one's stopping you. Yes indeed, we too use "cookies. I know we do! You can thank the EU parliament for making everyone in the world click on these pointless things while changing absolutely nothing.
Otherwise, you'll just have to find some other site for your pointless bitchery needs. Does anyone here have any experience on either side of this situation? Are you prepared for that? That is often the case with people who marry alcoholics. Thanks for the insight, latinagirl. They want to fuck. Maybe he has had a "spiritual awakening" and is a wonderful person now.
If you're serious about him, at some point, suggest he give look into Rational Recovery, OP. Obviously the decision should depend on the person and not stereotypes or stigmata. So we no longer 'cruise' in meetings! OP, I would just play it by ear. I say give this guy a chance and see how it goes. OP, do him a favor and move on. OP, R22 is spot on.
5 Pieces Of Advice For Being In A Relationship With Someone In Recovery
I think R14 has it. OP, slip him everclear and when he's tight and miserable ask, 'Where's your higher power now? This couldn't be further from what AA is actually about. Thanks again for the responses. Everyone I've ever met in AA has some simmering craziness they've repressed. I'd date someone at United. Those American gals have such attitude!
Ready to start? We're here for you.
If you're lucky, he's obsessed with working out! Who doesn't want a designated driver with a ripped body? Most are very long winded see r Most will drop your ass if you drink to get drunk. Most won't tolerate recreational drug use. All hate Gemini Unitarians and that's as it should be. Run OP, run and never look back. Sorry if my response didn't fit on a bumper sticker like my tormentor's did. Obviously HE has time to date drunks and drug users. Only 2 of them fell off the wagon and both jumped back on in short order.
All have been clean for over a decade. If you like him, OP, go for it. OP, your choices are: Which do you think makes more sense? R33 is exactly the insufferable judgmental stick in the mud that AA consists of. It was like living with a high school aged born again Christian. This is why I didn't tell anyone when I stopped drinking. Please drink the KoolAid! You guys just don't get it do you? Give the guy a break. These people are crazy to begin with. And that's how AA people see things, r In black and white. OP, you say there is a lot of wisdom and experience on DL?
I support and respect anyone who has decided to stop drinking, whatever. The AA people are a whole other breed. I also know a complete asshole that's in AA who's more self absorbed than anyone I know. Wow, I guess generalizations about large groups of people aren't always right.
OP, you don't admire someone who has addressed an issue that had an enormous impact on his life? You don't deserve him. Seeking addiction treatment can feel overwhelming. We know the struggle, which is why we're uniquely qualified to help. Your call is confidential, and there's no pressure to commit to treatment until you're ready. As a voluntary facility, we're here to help you heal -- on your terms.
Our sole focus is getting you back to the healthy, sober life you deserve, and we are ready and waiting to answer your questions or concerns. Sometimes, if you have no personal experience with something such as addiction and recovery, it can be difficult to get on the same page as your partner. Here are a few pieces of advice for this situation, coming from someone in recovery. Sometimes a person may decide to get sober, and then meets their partner and settles down.
This can make it a bit more difficult for you, the non-sober significant other, to understand why your partner decided to cut out alcohol. This one is vital for any relationship in which one person is in recovery and the other is not. If you are in a relationship with someone who is sober, take the time to have a conversation with them about how your own drinking may or may not affect them.
Some people in recovery are OK being around alcohol , while for others it is too tempting. This can depend on a number of factors, including how long your partner has been sober and how confident they are in their sobriety. Some people in recovery can handle themselves perfectly well around alcohol and may be hurt if they are not invited places simply because alcohol will be present. This assumption can be incredibly hurtful when coming from you, their partner.