Dating someone whose ex boyfriend died

Juggling your worry about his feelings for an ex and your desire to help him grieve can leave you wondering where to start. The good news is there are many things you can do to help your boyfriend through this time in a way that can bring you two closer together. Explore your feelings about his ex, and then set them aside. Recognize that men and women grieve differently. Your boyfriend may not bring up his feelings or even cry around you.

Make yourself available to him. Some bereaved men avoid being alone. Ignoring his loss may make him feel isolated. Mention his ex, and let him know that you are aware of his loss. Bring the topic up from time to time to let him know that he can talk with you if he wishes.

Maybe this is what happened to your SO. The PTSD of losing her, just caused him to not think about it. Maybe it hurts too much? I'm not trying to make excuses, but this is a very real possibility. What does he say about the fact that you might have to come back to Australia? What is his plan of action regarding your relationship? How will the distance end? Is he open to moving to Australia? Also, if he can't tell you that he loves you, how can you expect him to be ready for marriage? You might very well be right that he's not emotionally available. July Met in person: April - May 3 wks 2nd visit: June - August 2 months 3rd visit: December - Jan 2wks Proposal: December Closed distance: Can you stay in the relationship knowing you'll never have been his first choice?

Chances are he's never going to forget her and always have her on this pedestal and thoughts of what could have been.

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I have a hard enough time with my SO being friends with his ex, nevermind him losing a girl he wanted to be with forever. Dezface , emsimes , Kapwned , whatruckus. From this thread to your last one, it seems that moving in together has opened up your eyes to who he is. This is why its a good idea for couples to co-habitate before marrying. Have you both talked about what your plan of action will be once you head back to Oz?


  1. Ex-boyfriend died!
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Is he willing to visit you for an extended period of time in Oz? Also, have you spoken to him about seeing a therapist regarding your last post where it was alluded that he may be suffering depression? You guys really need to sit down and hash out the issues you're having, as well as discussing a plan. If he doesn't want to talk about anything, there isn't really much you can do. A relationship is give and take. I don't feel like I'm qualified enough to give you advice.


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  • I'd like to say "get out of that relationship" but I have no idea what that kind of situation is like. Instead, I think you should seek out a grief survivor group forum and ask them what you should do. Losing a partner unexpectedly is incredibly difficult.

    I hope you find some advice. Competing with someone who died and is "forever perfect" is never easy. I feel this somewhat in SO' life even if it was "just" his sister who died three years ago. You have dated him a year, they dated four years. As I read your post, I tried to imagine how it would feel if I heard that he had committed suicide. An almost physical reaction of grief hit me at the thought. It makes me feel sort of ill. Definitely, I can imagine feeling like a part of you has died. Maybe like a phantom limb: And dealing with the pain of losing something that you didn't really have, not anymore.

    And not really being able to talk to anyone about it.

    How to Let Your Boyfriend Grieve the Death of His Ex

    I know that when my ex contacted me, I told my husband that "an ex" had contacted me in the interest of not lying to my spouse. But I could never, nor would I ever, tell him what that ex had meant to me. Because there would be no way to do it without causing my husband pain -- and, since my ex is still alive, doubt. So, I was alone in my melancholy.

    Much like you must feel alone in your grief. I don't know if it helps at all that someone might understand a little of what you're going through -- or maybe what I'm saying doesn't resonate with you at all. But just know that I'm feeling my own "phantom limb" pain at the thought of your own pain.

    And I send a virtual hug. March 08, , I'm so sorry for your loss and I do consider it a loss, even though you haven't been with him for some time--it sounds like he's a big part of your history and who you are. I haven't been through anything similar, but I empathize. If you're open to it, I think that this is exactly the sort of thing that therapy is really good for.

    You have a lot of heavy feelings that are intertwined with grief. If your husband is usually your go-to person to lean on and get help processing your feelings, you are limited in how much you can do that in this circumstance even if you don't keep your feelings a secret, it's probably not the healthiest for your relationship to work through the details with him.

    A neutral third party who can help you walk through, understand, and come to peace with your feelings could be very beneficial. Glenstache Handlebar Stache Posts: Target FI date maybe?

    His last girlfriend died

    You'll get over it, and in the long run his death will be a good thing as far as your feelings are concerned. There can be an element of "what if", where you wonder if you made the right choice. Once you get over the initial shock and sadness of it, you'll see that you made the right choice and have closure, i. Cassie Magnum Stache Posts: My first husband and I got married at 18, had a son together and divorced by He never made contact with his son after the divorce.

    In his teen years my son talked about contacting him and I said not until he was 18 and out of high school. Then through internet searching I found out he killed himself a day before my son's 18th birthday. He also had 5 other children which meant my son had half sibs. One of the girls looked exactly like my son. I was really upset and sad for quite a while.

    My son could have cared less. I totally understand what you are feeling. I haven't experienced the death of an ex, but I completely understand the connection with an old ex. I also had a tumultuous and intense 2 year relationship with my ex, right before I met my husband.

    How to Let Your Boyfriend Grieve the Death of His Ex | Our Everyday Life

    I think this situation is fairly common, actually! It follows certain guidelines: On and off again status 2. Intense physical connection 3. In the end, you decided to walk away from the relationship bonus points if you ended it for your current spouse and the other party was torn up about it Because we ended it--and we know that was a moment that forever changed our lives--we think about it. During bad times in my marriage I would wonder if I made the right choice, and if my "real soul mate" was my ex.

    It didn't help that my ex would reach out to me at least once per year, and it was obvious that he viewed me as The One Who Got Away. I'm glad he was always several states away or we would have done something VERY stupid early in our marriages, and ruined two families. I learned that the ex in my head doesn't exist. I re-created my ex into my dream partner, loosely based on a handful of good qualities he had 15 years ago. I nursed that thought for a decade.

    He's pompus and ridiculous and I think I would despise him if I had to work with him every day, let alone be married to him! The truth shall set you free, right? You might want to look your ex up on social media and see who he really was and what he really cared about. It might shock you to see that he wasn't the same guy you loved 15 years ago, and help you move past his death. I had an ex I dated for a few months commit suicide about two and a half years after we broke up. We'd had lunch a little under a year earlier and he had clearly wanted us to reconnect, but I didn't want that.

    When we were together, albeit briefly, he was absolutely in love with me and thought we would last forever - I ultimately ended it because I realized we had religious differences he was Catholic, I'm fairly atheist that we'd never get past. We went back and forth for another few months as well and I was a terrible terrible dumper. After that lunch when I could tell he still wasn't over it, I cut off all contact.

    Fast forward to Oct and I receive a call from a distant acquaintance - I assumed it was a butt dial, but picked up anyways to hear that J had committed suicide. I didn't know how to feel either. I hated that I had ever caused him a bit of pain that would lead him to that decision. I didn't feel like I could grieve, because I had been the one to break up with him and push him away.

    In some ways I felt like I already had grieved him, when we broke up - I had certainly cut him out of my life. In fact, I still have a pending Facebook friend request from him, because I can't bring myself to delete it or to add him all this time later. It comes up in weird ways.

    He and I met because I gave him my number in a coffee shop, our first date was to a rodeo, there are a lot of funny anecdotes from that time that come up when you're having the "silly dating stories" conversation with friends. And then I wonder - "Do I end that story with, 'and he's dead now?

    I guess what I'm saying is feelings around exes are weird, feelings around death particularly suicide are weird, and when the two are combined feelings get really hard and complicated. Forgive me for speculating but could the pain you are experiencing be partially due to guilt? While tempting to think we can do so, it's often not possible to "fix" people, especially Sig-O's with whom we are emotionally invested. Maybe you're thinking that he'd still be around if you were together? The "what-ifs" can be torturous. Dang, it's hard enough to know ourselves well enough, let alone someone else.

    Keep on keepin' on, and try to find joy in what you had, and what you have now. Dicey Walrus Stache Posts: Would it help to think about the ways that relationship made you a beter wife?