Take it as a learning experience and find someone who loves you for the caring man you are. Hopefully we can both recover from this horrific experience. Best of luck to you but please unload her for good. All of us on this site know your pain. Because you found this site like we all did. If you read about experiences others have had you will swear you were dating the same person.
That is because these traits appear over and over again in this personality disorder. I am sorry you had to experience this — it will scar you a bit and for a while you may be hyper-vigilant to these traits. You may meet someone else and think uh-oh or see these traits in people you know. You like others here were taken by surprise.
This person seduced you, made you feel special, made you jump through hoops, kept you off balance. Then, when they sucked you dry, they dropped you like hot iron and blamed you. You may feel broken right now, but trust me, they are the broken ones. You will hopefully learn and move on. They will repeat the same pattern over and over again with different people.
Thank you for this post! My soon-to-be ex husband of 1. I want that guy! Stay strong everyone and get your inner voice back! My sociopath was someone I worked with for years. Someone who had mentored me. The weird thing was I remember being creeped out by him a little and not being the only one. He was one that would put his hand on your arm when he talked to you and a few of us were uncomfortable with it. We were married and created distance with him. I was on a different shift than him. He not only was a coworker in the hospital where we work but a personal trainer as a side job and at one point did real estate appraisals as well.
Training and encouraging other coworkers in the field. I knew him for almost two decades like this. Eight years ago I had back surgery and subsequently got very into fitness. That is how he became a mentor and how we became close and also how I dismissed my original feelings about him.
As I became stronger I would come to him for advice. He was always encouraging and said of course you can do this or accomplish that. He encouraged me to become a trainer and got me a job training clients. Even let me teach one of his group fitness classes. Eventually I enrolled at a gym that I later came to find out he frequented. In all those eight years and the years before he never made a pass at me nor had I the feeling of anything inappropriate other than that initial creepy feeling.
I would frequently be in the gym while he was lifting with his sons and he appeared to be a great dad, always with his kids and always very encouraging. Things changed when I decided to leave my husband and he found out. The day I told him I was leaving my husband and moving out he asked me to lunch.
We talked about our relationships being unhappy and what we both wanted. It was like being seen for the first time. We wanted all the same things. He said he was going to move out and was looking to buy a house. I should note his wife also works in the hospital where we work but in another department and we have little contact with that department. He talked about needing and eventually having benefits healthcare and PTO that his wife used to carry for him and the kids with other coworkers also. I moved out and we started seeing each other.
2. Emotional detachment
He had already explained that when he and his wife had problems in the past it got ugly and uncomfortable in the hospital with lots of drama and people taking sides. He said he was in the process of moving out. Meanwhile I was waiting. There were a few times when he came over or we saw each other but not many. A lunch date here or there or a meeting here or there. One day in the cafeteria in front of coworkers she came up asked him where he was working and massaged his shoulders.
He looked uncomfortable and was a little short with her. I broke it off with him that day. I told him do not call or text me until you move out. And I want to see you at least once or twice a week. Of course we texted a lot during the time we were seeing each other and he kept the compliments coming. Super affectionate and when we did see each other super hot for each other. We became attached emotionally way too fast and fell head over heals. Or I did and he said he did. I broke it off with him and stayed away. We were seeing each other maybe six weeks when I broke it off.
Three days later he texted and said he had moved out. I told him I wanted proof and he sent me a picture of the room he was renting and promised to take me there. This time we stayed apart maybe a month, month and a half. In addition to the busyness he was always suffering from there was his pushing me away emotionally and then apologizing. He would always apologize and say he would try to do better and that someday he would explain what had happened in his past to make him sabotage his relationships and why he pushed people away.
He came around on my birthday with flowers and yet another apology asking for another chance. We saw each other at work and the gym and the chemistry between us was undeniable, magnetic. We had it bad for each other and we got back together again. We had always discussed living together, sharing a life together and wanting the same things. He knew I had kids, one young one and said he knew we were a package deal. This last go round was no different than the last. He sold the ranch and now was transitioning into a real estate career that frequently took him out of town. Just prior to this he took his kids one of which was graduating high school to Hawaii.
I heard from a gym mate it was a family trip. I saw him the day he left. When he was in Hawaii the texts were several times a day and seemed to increase in intensity accompanied by pictures. There were pictures of the ranch prior to this. When he was in Hawaii he texted me he wanted to marry me someday.
Said someday he hoped I would know he was the one for me. That I was his future. There were also some phone calls. I had hoped after the trip and selling the ranch life would settle down. We were seeing each other a couple times a week. He never spent the night but he was there until late in the night, early morning.
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An attentive lover and very hard working in that department. Along the way I had questions and he always had answers. She approached me because we were friends. Of course he had a crazy story about it being a rouse to pacify her old and dying parents and his agreeing to her bizarre request. I told him no one with any integrity would behave that way. Supposedly this had been going on since before me and he had had to explain this to our boss eight to nine months earlier.
My boss did know about it and a few other people. He was a good liar so everyone believed him not just me. And he had a good reputation. But the seed of doubt was already planted and I began to be distrustful asking him about his divorce which he swore was filed and would be final around the same time mine would be. He even had a date. I became concerned about where he was living. I went by his house and his car was in the driveway. I called him and he said his son had his car which lined up with what he had been telling me about him having had to fix his sons car and it needing a lot of work.
We argued and I ended up apologizing for being paranoid and crazy. We discussed him finding another place to rent where I would be welcome. By this time he was supposed to be closing escrow on his house in a month or so. There were lots of offers and things had fallen through several times but finally the offer was accepted and he was in escrow so why spend a lot of money renting. He moved in with his son he said about 45minutes away and his son that lived in town was still borrowing his car. Somehow he always had the car for work that started at 4: He swore he was telling the truth.
He took me to see the house he said was in escrow. It had a lock box on the door. He said he talked to his lawyer and it was filed and going to be final. This after I had tried to break it off several times and he would say just stick with me. He showed a coworker divorce papers sealed by the court from supposedly. Saying we never had a relationship. I have no idea where it will end. In hindsight I was groomed. He saw when I was vulnerable and took the opportunity to tell me what I wanted to hear.
He came on strong, appeared attached quickly and intimate quickly. He was grandiose, and extremely sexual and complimentary. But it was all lies. No kids in tow so he really has no reason to be there. I was a widow and had not even gone out anywhere for five years. I decided I needed to do something to improve my life so I went on-line and met someone. Not having been in the dating pool for 30 years, I was reluctant to meet this man who was consistently messaging me. We talked on the phone for a couple of months for hours. He seemed so caring and so like me. We met and we were together constantly except when he was working.
He worked a lot of weekends and that was ok with me. He was always waiting to get paid for a contract so he used my credit cards and I paid for everything. At one point I bought him a new cell phone and when I looked at his old one, I saw a number that he phoned all the time and it was all hours of the day and night. I phone it and in the end it was a woman with whom he lived and that was where he was on weekends. So she dumped him and he made me feel like I was the winner.
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So he praised me and made me feel like a queen and a winner. He said he was a self employed contractor from Edmonton so he said and was only in the area because he returned to see his dying mother. A month or two later, I noticed he was always phoning and getting calls from a Dr Lady whom he said he was working. He said she was very controlling and called him constantly because she wanted to know everything he was working on for her. He even invited me to her house to see what he was doing there when she was at her office and he was doing her roof and had more jobs to do for her.
He would have me drop him off there at 6 am to work and show her what he would do that day and I would wait at the coffee shop and he would call me to pick him up when she left. Finally, I called her and it turned out he also had lived there with her as her husband was not around either. Again, he chose me. He had been telling her he had another job to work at when he was with me and reverse to me so both of us thought he was working hard all the time but really he had no job except what he was doing at her house when he was there.
He was a very charming and convincing person and I wanted to believe him. I was so stupid! He then spent all his time with me. Even here he managed to cultivate more women. He would insist I visit my family and then discourage me coming back by promising a surprise he was working on and I would have to stay away another couple of weeks. I never caught on now. I am now living in a very remote area, no neighbours, no friends and no money and a huge mortgage. He has cancer and needs me to look after him but is still doing his thing.
He is in the city and has an apt near the hospital and I am here in the wilds. I love the peace and serenity of the area but am so isolated that is is depressingly lonely. My sons are my only contacts and they phone me frequently but i am desperately lonely and depressed. It turns out he has a criminal record for a violent crime although he has been very gentle with me and never have I felt he might be violent. I have no neighbours and I am miles from any towns. I have no human contact for weeks on end. Real estate sells slowly here so it would be a couple of years if I could sell this place.
I hate it that I have been so naive and kept thinking he would change and even enabled him to do this to me. He will be coming home from the hospital in a month or so and I have to decide if I can let him and if not, can I survive here alone. My sons are not able to provide me with accommodation and I am too ashamed to let them know what I have gotten myself into.
I just want to give up on everything! There is no light at the end of my tunnel! Thank you for sharing your story Linda. There IS light at the end of the tunnel. But I was bereaved when I met him, My daughter had died the year before. It sounds like you feel trapped? Let me tell you something. I can promise you that learning self love, is the best gift that you will ever give yourself.
You met him at a vulnerable point in your life. You say that he will be home from the hospital in a month. Use this time to focus on you. It will help you. Feeling trapped is what he counts on. You are not trapped. You just need two things. While I am unable to create opportunities for you, I can offer you hope, that in terms of your connection to him, you can heal and recover. It can be a distant memory.
But it wont be a distant memory if you stay. I know it seems hard to move on, and can be scary. It might even force you again to deal with your bereavement, perhaps something you do not want to go through again. But this is normal and healthy. Again, therapy can help you with this.
I understand what you are saying, about being too ashamed to speak to your sons. Because you are not. I and many others, got out, and you can too. If you can, please seek out therapy it will empower you. Thank you for your support. We moved to a remote area and I have no contact with people here. They will not socialize with me although I have tried even volunteering at the local churches. It is so isolating here. I phone to hire someone to clear my driveway and I have the cash to pay for it but they say they will do it but never come.
It is not conducive to healing or becoming anything but more lonely and more bitter. I am doing it all on my own but a recent heart attack has limited my abilities and I notice I am not as physically strong as I was but I am managing more or less but not emotionally. I am not near a city so it is not easy to get to professional help and the cost is not something I can afford at this time. I do have a dog and the loyalty and love she gives me is my only current salvation. I am lucky to have her. I relate with the dog.
I live with my cat. Me, and my cat. It kind of works well that way. It might be, that you are trying too hard. Only our normal has been very distorted. Your faith and belief in yourself has gone. Likely, due to him and his abuse of you, and his constant gaslighting. Which will distort your view of the world.
I know I was walking around, probably a year or two later with his lense of the world. So what about your house? Have you thought about where you would like to move to? Or is fear holding you back? Sometimes we can stay still, even though we want to move on, as we simply do not know how to move forward. Or the fear of the unknown, makes us stay still. This is particularly true for those who have been abused.
Or perhaps you are half and half. Half wanting to move forward. This will keep you stuck. Maybe, just try to do one thing. ONE thing, nothing major, and this will help you to see that you are making progress. Otherwise it is disheartening feeling like you keep trying but nothing is really working out? You can do this Linda. I am not going to say that it will be easy. I want to tell you this. As this is VERY important. Maybe right now the reason things are not moving forward the house sell happening, is because he would take from you, until there was nothing left? As that can happen. Sometimes there are blessings that we cannot see ourselves.
I have known him for years and we just began dating a few months ago and he moved in shortly after. How do I end things and get him to move out of my house? I do feel as though I am the only one there for him and he has inconsistent income. Being a Christian it is hard to give up on him, but I know this is what I need to do. Please help or direct me to an article that may help me end things. The one thing that I read was that one needs to consider them self in a cult of two.
These men or women use mind control and are very manipulative. You have to make it out or it will just continue the way it is and not get any better and probably definitely get worse.
Top 18 signs that you were dating sociopath!! | Dating a Sociopath
They have a way of making you feel sorry for them and that is part of their game. This man drained me of so much money he moved in really quickly and controlled me. Time you spend with them is wasted time and time that you could be spending on building a healthy relationship. You have to start valuing yourself and realize that you deserve more. I am going to write a post response to your comment Stacy as you raise an important point.
I want to think about what to write. As where you are right now, many are either still there, and feeling trapped. Or question whether they have the strength to leave. You are commenting using your WordPress. You are commenting using your Twitter account. You are commenting using your Facebook account. Notify me of new comments via email.
Notify me of new posts via email. It can be hard to sink in that Mr or Mrs Perfect that you have been dating is actually a sociopath. You might search the internet looking for answers. Yes you have started to discover things, but you are still not sure, you are confused. Charismatic and charming For the sociopath, image is everything. Superficial and glib A sociopath will say just about anything to anyone to get what he wants.
Huge ego All sociopaths are narcissists, but not all narcissists are sociopaths. They play victim Of course, if the only part of his persona that you saw was his ego, it would be quite off putting. Sexual charisma and magnetism All sociopaths have a great deal of testosterone. They are compulsive pathological liars, manipulative and deceptive Most people feel uncomfortable telling a lie, and usually need to confess the lie and have a need to be honest.
Lives like a parasite Sociopaths cannot really see the point of working hard for long hours and little pay. It shows how stupid other people are and therefore how clever they are It enables them to have the very best in life, with very little stress, effort, responsibility or commitment. Comes on strong and moves fast If you meet someone and they are keen to move the relationship forward fast, be aware.
Socially isolates you One of the reasons that a sociopath will come on strong, and bombard you with affection, is because he wants you to not have the time to see other people. Is very dramatic Sociopaths are always dramatic. Lack of life plan and long term goals Some sociopaths work high functioning ones , but low functioning ones do not. Immaturity Most sociopaths are also very immature.
Jimmy Saville — definately a Sociopath who hid behind his celebrity status to abuse. Will always blame someone else — lack of remorse, guilt or shame When a sociopath has had a sociopathic, narcissistic meltdown remember most of the time he has his mask on , you will see signs of insanity. Jealousy and paranoia The sociopath is extremely jealous and paranoid.
Yes this is typical sociopathic behaviour. That spontaneous spirit could turn out to be impulsive and highly dangerous. Your significant other buys things without considering whether they can afford them. The early stage of a relationship with a psychopath will move so fast that it will make your head spin.
In order to control you they will go to great depths to manipulate you. An intense need to control people and situations leads psychopaths to engage in manipulative behavior. Do they have trouble living by the law? Your significant other has a pile of traffic tickets they refuses to pay.
Psychopaths are not associated with being law-abiding citizens. Rather, they aim to twist the law in their favor, and make an effort not to get caught. Their desires are solely for things that will benefit them. Nothing ever seems that exciting to them. Your partner is bored despite eventful happenings in their work and personal life. Psychopaths may be hardwired to feel more underwhelmed than others across all aspects of life. He or she may constantly initiate exciting activities despite a packed schedule and exhausting lifestyle. You will never be able to get the truth out of a psychopath.
Your significant other lies about small things like not doing the dishes or what they bought at the store. If you see a pattern of frequent lying, this could also be a sign. DePompo says psychopaths behave as if they are smarter than others and are too smooth to get caught.
A lack of empathy is one of the most common signs. Your pet died and your partner shows no sorrow or concern for your feelings. If your significant other seems to have a noticeable lack of care and concern for others, pay attention.
12 Signs You’re Dating a Psychopath (and What to Do About It)
Psychopathy is characterized by a lack of empathy as well as the absence of deep emotions or a conscience. The safety and welfare of others does not resonate with a psychopath. Anderson says a psychopath might also blame his or her partner for relationship problems. A psychopath is overly confident. Psychopaths tend to have an inflated sense of self-worth. They believe they matter more than anyone else, so your opinions are unimportant. It becomes an overdeveloped skill that impairs their ability to be empathetic, follow rules, or have intimate relationships with others.
Are you stuck in a cycle of breaking up and getting back together? Are you manipulated into responding to texts? You try to cut things off but somehow keep getting back together. The HuffPost explains that even if you and your significant other break up, he or she will make it difficult to cut ties altogether. They may promise to change their behavior, text you incessantly, and say what you want to hear. Psychopaths tend to have multiple sexual partners. This is mainly because they have difficulty forming deep relationships. Seth Meyers said in his Psychology Today column that a relationship with a psychopath is usually marked by an absence of emotional connection and empathy.